I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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