My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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