She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
