I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
