SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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