My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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