got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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