If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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