Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
