The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
