I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
