I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
