Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
