dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sober January is a disaster.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
