I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
