A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
