Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
