My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
