I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
