I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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