we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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