.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
