So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
