I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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