I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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New game: find the sober person in Tbell
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
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Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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