i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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