That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
