my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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