You just made me feel so damn special
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
