Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
