I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
