Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
BRING THE BAGELS
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize