And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
