he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
