Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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