Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
