put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
