The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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