Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
