Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
