someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
