He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
