I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
