Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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