i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
