So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
