I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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