Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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