ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
