i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
