Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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