god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
