I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
