I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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