Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
