Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
