woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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